ED and Our Emotions

In my experience working with men looking for a remedy for their erectile dysfunction, I have had many meaningful conversations. Though the talks often took place in a doctor’s office where the focus is primarily on the vacuum erection device and the physical body, I am aware that, for many men, there are a lot of emotions wrapped up in our ability to function sexually.

Years ago, I met with a man who didn’t want his wife to see the vacuum system arrive in the mail. He asked if we could have it delivered to the doctor’s office where he could pick it up without her knowing that he had placed the order. Now, it’s entirely possible that he didn’t want to get into trouble for spending money. Or was he convinced that she wouldn’t approve of his use of a vacuum erection device?

I am neither a physician nor a therapist. I’m just a man teaching about how to use a vacuum erection device but who, at times, struggled with my own erectile function. I could resonate with the men with whom I met. Words didn’t have to be spoken for us to mutually understand that we men attach a large part of our worth and value to our ability to not only get an erection but to be able to please our partner.

Erectile dysfunction (ED) can have a significant impact on a man’s emotional well-being, as well as on his relationships. You may have experienced some of the following:

1. Emotional and Psychological Impact:
   • Stress and Anxiety: ED often leads to increased stress and anxiety, both related to performance and the fear of future sexual encounters. This may become a brutal cycle of stress in the lead up to sexual intimacy and then the frustration after when, yet again, we feel we have fallen short of our partner’s and our own expectations.
   • Depression: Long-term ED can contribute to feelings of frustration, disappointment, and sadness, potentially leading to depression.
   • Low Self-Esteem: Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection may negatively impact a man’s self-esteem and self-worth.
   • Sense of Failure: The inability to perform sexually as expected may evoke feelings of failure. This can be particularly challenging if a man has traditionally viewed sexual performance as a measure of his success or identity.
   • Stigma and Shame: Societal expectations and stigmas surrounding sexual performance can contribute to feelings of shame and embarrassment. Men may be reluctant to discuss ED, even with healthcare professionals, due to these societal pressures.

   I can tell you, all day, that you are not alone and that you may have more than a few friends who also struggle with their erectile function, that doesn’t necessarily make you feel any less bad about yourself. Often, we men seem to feel like the best way to deal with that is to do so in isolation.

2. Relationship Impact:
   • Strain on Intimate Relationships: ED can strain intimate relationships, as partners may feel frustrated, rejected, or unfulfilled. Open communication is crucial to navigating these challenges.
   • Decreased Relationship Satisfaction: The impact of ED on sexual intimacy may lead to decreased satisfaction in the overall relationship.
   • Concern for Partner: Your partner probably feels concerned about your overall well-being and health. They are well-aware that you may be really struggling with your erectile dysfunction, and they also be affected emotionally by the challenges it presents in the relationship. When we say that you are not alone, we really mean it here, if you are in a relationship. It directly affects both of you.
   • Avoidance of Sexual Activity: Some men may avoid sexual activity altogether to prevent the potential embarrassment or anxiety associated with ED.
3. Health Concerns:
   • •  Underlying Health Issues: In some cases, ED may be a symptom of an underlying health condition, such as cardiovascular disease or diabetes.

   Addressing ED may also involve managing these health issues.

It’s important to recognize that ED is a common medical condition, and effective treatments are available. Seeking professional help, such as consulting with a healthcare provider or a specialist in sexual health, can lead to an accurate diagnosis and appropriate management of ED.

I am not in any position to offer you any professional advice. Instead, I want to encourage you to ask and seek answers to some important questions:

1. What are, potentially, the underlying health issues that you need to address and stop avoiding?

This is one of those areas where it serves no helpful purpose to simply sidestep this part of the process if you want to have any hope of restoring healthy erectile function not to mention your overall health and well-being.

Set up the appointment with your physician and be completely open. What are you experiencing? When did it start? What have you tried?

The good news here is that most doctors won’t get all emotional on you. They will simply ask questions, usually armed with a questionnaire like The Sexual Health Inventory for Men (SHIM) or The Sexual Encounter Profile (SEP). Google either one of those questionnaires and you’ll see what sort of questions the practitioner may ask you.

Who knows what they will want you to do next but consider following their advice.

Also, remember, there are reputable clinics all over the country that deal precisely with Men’s Sexual Health issues. The doctors, nurses and physician’s assistants work with patients exactly like you, every day! Again, Google “Men’s Sexual Health Clinic near me” and see what you discover.

2. What conversations should you have with your partner about all of this?

Now, I get it. There may be limits on just how much you really want to talk about erectile dysfunction. We are all gentlemen here and, though we live in a pretty crass world, we may be better served to limit just how many people with whom we engage in conversation about our erections.
But if you are in a relationship, your partner is impacted by all of this. How can you openly discuss what you are discovering and how you can move forward in the healthiest ways possible?
And, if necessary, seeking the support of a therapist or counselor can also be beneficial in addressing the emotional and relational aspects of ED.

You have several options for treating the physical causes of erectile dysfunction and just by exploring this far, you are demonstrating to yourself that you are actively pursuing the best and healthiest solution for you, and you are willing to do the hard work that may be involved in this journey.

This post is meant to encourage you to recognize that your mind and emotions may also be involved in this, and it may be helpful to pay attention to all of that. You are not alone in this and there are millions of men, worldwide, who are also searching for answers. If nothing else, see the value in the lessons that others are learning and continue to engage with them, if not directly, by reading and learning more every way you can.